Wednesday, June 29
“A rat’s ass & a snowball’s chance on an ice rink”
Last week I read in a Chicago paper a story in the sports section with this hed: “Hawks to name Tallon new GM.” I’ll have to fill you in on a rap sheet of backstory to have the outside chance you might begin to care about what comes next. Or to find it the least bit amusing.
You might not be aware of it as, actually, most of North America is not, but the National Hockey League is currently experiencing a lockout. A “lockout” is a situation wherein filthy, decadently rich owners clutching for that one additional dime to add to their billions, refuse to let their employees work in their factories / ballparks / ice arenas.
The NHL owners and players rocketed down this path toward mutually assured self-destruction when both sides could not see eye-to-eye about capping player salaries. It got to the point of both sides refusing to agree that sometimes, yes, taking a bath while wielding an electric hair curler might lead to no good.
The lockout began just before the start of the 2004-2005 season, as the 30 team owners, who claim they are hemorrhaging money, and the players, who feel disrespected by not consuming 90 percent of league revenues through salaries, held hands and nonchalantly jumped over a cliff together. Reportedly they sang “Oh, Canada” on the way down. Hockey hasn’t been seen nor heard from ever since.
Okay, we’ve heard about pro hockey, in the same sense you hear about how your Cousin Eddie was in Bail Court a few months ago, I think it was, on some kind of grand theft auto charge, I can’t remember all too well. I mean, I heard about it when I was in the Jewel from a guy he used to work with. Anyway, he’s not doing so good, from what I gather, ya know? What’s that? No, I’m probably not gonna go visit him in the can.
That’s exactly how things have been for professional hockey. It’s off cooling its skates somewhere while the rest of us get on with shopping at the Jewel and whatnot.
The NHL has long been referred to as one of the “Big Four,” those North American sports organizations known so widely across the world, most people can immediately tell who and what you’re talking about when you bring up the acronyms NFL, NBA and MLB.
The problem with this designation is that, in reality, NHL is less popular in terms of TV ratings and cultural awareness than NASCAR, Arena Football, women’s basketball and your average American Legion Summer Baseball league. It has been this way for some time.
Professional hockey had the ignominious distinction of losing its broadcasting contract when ABC refused to re-up in 2004 after some sorry numbers for both regular season games and the playoffs. The Mouse paid more than $600 million for a 5-year ABC / ESPN combo deal, then saw ratings drop 21 percent during the regular games since the 2001-2002 season, and witnessed a similar plunge for the Stanley Cup Finals.
The networks decided putting hockey even on ESPN20 at 4 a.m. was so not worth it, they’d make better scratch leasing the time to George Foreman infomercials.
So, supposing there was hockey going on, the NHL probably wouldn’t be making much money off of having it televised. They went from getting $120 million a year from the networks, to not receiving a single upfront dime in their new contract with its new home, NBC. Until NBC sells enough advertising time to make the enterprise worth it for network itself, forget the league.
The NHL had plummeted to the level of Arena Football (a sport linked to NBC with a similar broadcasting contract) and then decided THAT EXACT moment in sports history would be the perfect time to conduct an acrimonious labor dispute. No pro sports league had lost an entire season to worker unrest before the NHL went ahead and did it. All have lost big chunks, though, the NFL and MLB most famously coming to mind.
But those two are in an entirely different ballpark when you look at bottom-line financials and worldwide visibility. Pro football is basking in a series of contracts ending this year that totaled $18 billion. And literally billions wait to see its championship every year.
Major League Baseball rakes in $417 million a year from Fox. The network, which puts its regular schedule on hold every fall to accommodate the baseball playoffs, just profited from America’s renewed love with its pastime. And the fact the Red Sox just would not die.
Last year’s World Series, featuring the St. Louis Cardinals and the Boston Red Sox, finished up with the highest ratings in five years. The average audience of 25.4 million fans made it the most-watched Fall Classic of the last nine years.
Hockey’s demise, on the other hand, is lamented most intensely by our Canadian friends, who suddenly found themselves having plenty time last winter to sit in the family room playing Scrabble.
The 32,805,041 million Canucks and you, who have gotten to this point of this treatise on hockey, are the only people with the NHL on their minds at THIS EXACT moment. So I guess I better hurry up with the punchline before I lose you to that crocheting you have been meaning to get back to for a while.
The story in the paper announced the departure of Bob Pulford as general manager of the Chicago Blackhawks (our city’s hockey team in case you’ve forgotten). Taking up his responsibilities of shaking down a franchise for the sole benefit of owner Bill Wirtz, is Dale Tallon.
I found myself thinking, What a quaintly irrelevant news bit. The Hawks hadn’t played a game in 15 months and hadn’t been to the playoffs since 2002. There were too few people in town who cared anymore about pro hockey enough to make the squandering of ink and newsprint worthwhile.
It was akin to the King of Italy announcing he had designated Crown Prince Emmanuele Filiberto as his heir. A) The Kingdom of Italy vanished 59 years ago, and B) who is this guy claiming to be the Italian ruler? [I am so, so tempted to try and work in a reference to Berlusconi, but there are too few people in town who care anymore about the column enough to … you know the rest.]
Bill Wirtz hates his fans just as much as they hate him back, if not more. What knucklehead flatly refuses to put on home games on any sort of broadcast or cable station, thinking it’s like giving tickets away to the show?
The kind of guy who is a multi-millionaire multi times over and still thinks removing every last available nickel from the hockey-loving public is a sound and honored principle of capitalism. I have no love for the Blackhawks. However, I do wish Tallon the best of luck running a team that once hired a guy named Alpo Suhonen to coach for a season.
Alright, that was a cheap shot. You gotta give Suhonen a break for his first name – he’s Finnish. Plus, working for one of the worst organizations in hockey gave the guy a heart condition that ran him out of town faster than a city employee can take a bribe.
So, the Hawks have a new GM. Yawn. Yet another guy brought in to finish off the job of running the team into the permafrost. Much like hockey is doing to itself.
Ah, but dare to hope, Canucks. Apparently the owners and the players, having pushed the launch button and experiencing a nuclear winter, will come back to us soon with the happy announcement, “Hey, remember us?” It took baseball many years and several steroid-induced, homerun-stuffed seasons to recover from its strike in 1994-1995. You’ve got to wonder what sort of circus the NHL will put on the ice in an effort to win back friends and influence people to come around again.
Pro wrestling already has the market cornered on stage-managed fights in big venues. Good luck with that recovery plan, fellas.
You might not be aware of it as, actually, most of North America is not, but the National Hockey League is currently experiencing a lockout. A “lockout” is a situation wherein filthy, decadently rich owners clutching for that one additional dime to add to their billions, refuse to let their employees work in their factories / ballparks / ice arenas.
The NHL owners and players rocketed down this path toward mutually assured self-destruction when both sides could not see eye-to-eye about capping player salaries. It got to the point of both sides refusing to agree that sometimes, yes, taking a bath while wielding an electric hair curler might lead to no good.
The lockout began just before the start of the 2004-2005 season, as the 30 team owners, who claim they are hemorrhaging money, and the players, who feel disrespected by not consuming 90 percent of league revenues through salaries, held hands and nonchalantly jumped over a cliff together. Reportedly they sang “Oh, Canada” on the way down. Hockey hasn’t been seen nor heard from ever since.
Okay, we’ve heard about pro hockey, in the same sense you hear about how your Cousin Eddie was in Bail Court a few months ago, I think it was, on some kind of grand theft auto charge, I can’t remember all too well. I mean, I heard about it when I was in the Jewel from a guy he used to work with. Anyway, he’s not doing so good, from what I gather, ya know? What’s that? No, I’m probably not gonna go visit him in the can.
That’s exactly how things have been for professional hockey. It’s off cooling its skates somewhere while the rest of us get on with shopping at the Jewel and whatnot.
The NHL has long been referred to as one of the “Big Four,” those North American sports organizations known so widely across the world, most people can immediately tell who and what you’re talking about when you bring up the acronyms NFL, NBA and MLB.
The problem with this designation is that, in reality, NHL is less popular in terms of TV ratings and cultural awareness than NASCAR, Arena Football, women’s basketball and your average American Legion Summer Baseball league. It has been this way for some time.
Professional hockey had the ignominious distinction of losing its broadcasting contract when ABC refused to re-up in 2004 after some sorry numbers for both regular season games and the playoffs. The Mouse paid more than $600 million for a 5-year ABC / ESPN combo deal, then saw ratings drop 21 percent during the regular games since the 2001-2002 season, and witnessed a similar plunge for the Stanley Cup Finals.
The networks decided putting hockey even on ESPN20 at 4 a.m. was so not worth it, they’d make better scratch leasing the time to George Foreman infomercials.
So, supposing there was hockey going on, the NHL probably wouldn’t be making much money off of having it televised. They went from getting $120 million a year from the networks, to not receiving a single upfront dime in their new contract with its new home, NBC. Until NBC sells enough advertising time to make the enterprise worth it for network itself, forget the league.
The NHL had plummeted to the level of Arena Football (a sport linked to NBC with a similar broadcasting contract) and then decided THAT EXACT moment in sports history would be the perfect time to conduct an acrimonious labor dispute. No pro sports league had lost an entire season to worker unrest before the NHL went ahead and did it. All have lost big chunks, though, the NFL and MLB most famously coming to mind.
But those two are in an entirely different ballpark when you look at bottom-line financials and worldwide visibility. Pro football is basking in a series of contracts ending this year that totaled $18 billion. And literally billions wait to see its championship every year.
Major League Baseball rakes in $417 million a year from Fox. The network, which puts its regular schedule on hold every fall to accommodate the baseball playoffs, just profited from America’s renewed love with its pastime. And the fact the Red Sox just would not die.
Last year’s World Series, featuring the St. Louis Cardinals and the Boston Red Sox, finished up with the highest ratings in five years. The average audience of 25.4 million fans made it the most-watched Fall Classic of the last nine years.
Hockey’s demise, on the other hand, is lamented most intensely by our Canadian friends, who suddenly found themselves having plenty time last winter to sit in the family room playing Scrabble.
The 32,805,041 million Canucks and you, who have gotten to this point of this treatise on hockey, are the only people with the NHL on their minds at THIS EXACT moment. So I guess I better hurry up with the punchline before I lose you to that crocheting you have been meaning to get back to for a while.
The story in the paper announced the departure of Bob Pulford as general manager of the Chicago Blackhawks (our city’s hockey team in case you’ve forgotten). Taking up his responsibilities of shaking down a franchise for the sole benefit of owner Bill Wirtz, is Dale Tallon.
I found myself thinking, What a quaintly irrelevant news bit. The Hawks hadn’t played a game in 15 months and hadn’t been to the playoffs since 2002. There were too few people in town who cared anymore about pro hockey enough to make the squandering of ink and newsprint worthwhile.
It was akin to the King of Italy announcing he had designated Crown Prince Emmanuele Filiberto as his heir. A) The Kingdom of Italy vanished 59 years ago, and B) who is this guy claiming to be the Italian ruler? [I am so, so tempted to try and work in a reference to Berlusconi, but there are too few people in town who care anymore about the column enough to … you know the rest.]
Bill Wirtz hates his fans just as much as they hate him back, if not more. What knucklehead flatly refuses to put on home games on any sort of broadcast or cable station, thinking it’s like giving tickets away to the show?
The kind of guy who is a multi-millionaire multi times over and still thinks removing every last available nickel from the hockey-loving public is a sound and honored principle of capitalism. I have no love for the Blackhawks. However, I do wish Tallon the best of luck running a team that once hired a guy named Alpo Suhonen to coach for a season.
Alright, that was a cheap shot. You gotta give Suhonen a break for his first name – he’s Finnish. Plus, working for one of the worst organizations in hockey gave the guy a heart condition that ran him out of town faster than a city employee can take a bribe.
So, the Hawks have a new GM. Yawn. Yet another guy brought in to finish off the job of running the team into the permafrost. Much like hockey is doing to itself.
Ah, but dare to hope, Canucks. Apparently the owners and the players, having pushed the launch button and experiencing a nuclear winter, will come back to us soon with the happy announcement, “Hey, remember us?” It took baseball many years and several steroid-induced, homerun-stuffed seasons to recover from its strike in 1994-1995. You’ve got to wonder what sort of circus the NHL will put on the ice in an effort to win back friends and influence people to come around again.
Pro wrestling already has the market cornered on stage-managed fights in big venues. Good luck with that recovery plan, fellas.
