Thursday, May 20
“A bad idea, half-baked”
It’s not that jocks have an exclusive patent on ill-advised courses of action – Bill Clinton got impeached for his foolishness. We just tend to focus more heavily on their mistakes. Or derive more pleasure from hearing about them.
Mike Danton née Jefferson, a 5-foot-9, 191-pound center who played for the St. Louis Blues (we’ll come to my use of the past tense later) got himself in a jam last month. Okay, I’m selling the pile of shit Danton’s sitting in short.
The FBI collared the player April 16 in California, right before he was to climb on a plane with his teammates for St. Louis. How Danton fell from hockey and straight into federal custody is a long, strange trip.
To Reader’s Digest it for you, the government alleges Danton told Katie Wolfmeyer, 19, that a hitman from Canada was coming to St. Louis to kill him. He asked the young woman if she knew someone who could carry out a preemptive strike – a hitman to kill the hitman. Wolfmeyer sought out a man referred to by the government as a “cooperating witness.” This person informed the FBI of the unfolding scheme.
The agency responded by encouraging the Replacement Killer to act as if he were going to do the deed. G-men on the case monitored various phone calls placed between Danton in California, Wolfmeyer in Missouri and the hitman’s hitman in Illinois. Based on the recorded phone conversations, the FBI charged Danton and Wolfmeyer as would-be murderers.
Why did Danton think a 19-year-old woman would be an effective go-to-gal in the murder-for-hire business? At what point did Danton decide killing his way out of a problem was a reasonable notion? And was there no one in Danton’s life he could turn to and express the depths of his desperation; to hear of his plans and say, “Mike, you know, that is a terrible, terrible idea.”?
“Well, at the time … ”
The answer to the latter question is easy: No. Apparently, Danton had no one around him with a cool head. He’s been characterized as a loner estranged from his family for years. Danton ditched his original surname, Jefferson, as a way to make a final break from his parents - especially his father, Steve.
Long ago the elder Jefferson entrusted the health, education and hockey welfare of his son to coach / mentor / agent / reputed mind-controlling Svenghali David Frost. Mike was all of 11 years old at the time.
There are competing accounts of what happened to Danton while in Frost’s care. One comes from Frost himself. The other, from everyone else in the universe. Let’s say independent thinking does not clock in as Danton’s No. 1 ability.
Even if your noggin has taken a puck once or twice and your agent doesn’t let you fart without prior permission, your moral code should not wind up in the penalty box. “Thou shall not kill” isn’t a merely strong suggestion. It serves as the basis of human interaction.
“But, Kal,” the psychobabblists argue, “Danton thought his career and reputation were in imminent danger. He felt truly threatened.” Surely, we hold our livelihood and honor dear. Someone comes along and tries to take them away, we’re not gonna had them over in a gift-wrapped box. I hear ya.
Yet, that’s exactly what Danton did in the space of a few phone calls. He placed his job and rep (already shaky) in the toilet, added a square of TP, then flushed vigorously. Though the St. Louis Blues and several teammates have issued a statement of support, Danton’s career effectively ended in Norman Mineta International Airport.
The team will dump his ass the first second it’s considered tactful to do so. No other pro organization will put him on the ice in the event a jury finds Danton not guilty. It’s not as if Danton was the new Gretzky. He played decently, but not spectacularly. In the end, he never skates again. Unless Tanya Harding comes along with a Goons on Ice Show.
“No, dog, I don’t have your back”
The playing career of b-baller Jayson Williams, 35, had already ended when he used spectacularly poor judgment on the night of Feb. 14, 2002. According to the charges lodged against him, Williams went on a completely avoidable felony spree.
The ex-New Jersey Nets star and TV analyst decided to wind down from a night out on the town by shooting his limousine driver with a shotgun and covering up the crime. I make it sound so lurid, as if Williams was high on PCP then gunned down the chauffer like he was a partridge. Not quite. But close.
Driver Costas “Gus” Christofi transported Williams and friends following a Harlem Globetrotters game in Bethlehem, Pa. The group, with four Globetrotters, paused to refresh themselves with dinner and drinks (bar tab alone: $627) at a New Jersey restaurant.
The journey ended after midnight at Williams’ 65-acre estate in rural New Jersey. The Ponderosa features a 40-room mansion, indoor and outdoor pools, a movie theater, bowling alley, golf course and skeet-shooting range. A private grocery store is still under construction.
While the Globetrotters toured the grounds, the rest of the gang piled into Williams’ manor. They invited Christofi to join them because, after all, there was plenty of room. At this point, Williams thought it a really neat idea to show off his collection of shotguns.
Keep in mind, Williams and several of his friends had some drinks under their belts. Consumption ranged from a single Coors Light to 15 rum and cokes. Other hosts might have directed their guests’ attention to an impressive stamp collection. Or demonstrated a flair for throwing strikes in the bowling alley. Not Williams.
Prosecutors allege the ex-basketball hero displayed his loaded 12-gauge Browning just three feet away from Christofi. The three witnesses in the room testified Williams went from holding the shotgun at his side to jerking it upright as he turned to face the driver. The weapon discharged immediately, sending buckshot into Christofi’s chest.
Now this, as they say delicately, is a very unfortunate situation. Your reaction might start with, “Oh, my God!” It would probably continue onto, “Are you (victim on floor with buckshot) okay?” Finally, as the injured party expired, perhaps you would exclaim, “I f--- up my life!” Williams, according to his friends, did all three. Perfectly natural. Then things went very wrong.
Williams wiped down the shotgun. After that, he asked one of his best friends, 31-year-old Kent Culuko, to wipe down the shotgun, too. Christofi may or may not have still been alive, when Williams tried to press the driver’s palm onto the gun to leave prints. Apparently, Williams has watched some CSI.
He took off his clothes. Williams handed them off to another friend, John Gordnick, 46. Gordnick took the clothes and put them in his car. In his car. Williams went downstairs to his handy indoor pool to swim off evidence. Upon his return, he told everyone to say, “Basically, we were all down stairs.” The lord of the manor also urged his guests to, “Stick with the story.” These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along.
One can understand panicking. The vast majority of people has never shot a human being to death. Who wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, scatter-brained?
However.
If a “friend” asks me to destroy evidence, hide some more, move around the smoking gun and lie to the police, I’m gonna hold my hands up and declare, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is a terrible, terrible idea.” Life should not imitate Pulp Fiction.
County prosecutors charged Williams, for all his trouble, with aggravated manslaughter, reckless manslaughter, witness tampering, evidence tampering, hindering apprehension and fabricating evidence. His friends copped pleas on the after-market activity and agreed to testify. The trial lasted three months.
After hearing the evidence, a New Jersey jury issued the following opinion: If you had not tried to pull off a Winston Wolf, we would have let you go. The panel acquitted Williams of aggravated manslaughter, the most serious of the eight counts the defendant faced. They cleared him of assault and gun possession charges. They deadlocked 8-4 in favor of freeing Williams on the reckless manslaughter count. What the former All-Star went down on was everything he did from, “I f--- up my life!” to asking his guests to drink the Kool-Aid with him.
Prosecutors have until Friday to decide if they will retry Williams for reckless manslaughter. The defense, naturally, wants it to go away. Drunkenly waving a shotgun around sounds way past recklessness to me, but I don’t live in New Jersey.
Unfortunately for Danton, things probably will not go so well. There was no guaranteed $86 million contract (like the one Williams had) to fall back on when the party ended. Danton’s trial kicks off in July. He faces a federal jury without the aid of several million little green friends to bodycheck the prosecution. The truth might set you free, but high-priced lawyers are a better bet.
Do I feel sorry that Danton lacked the mental acuity to get himself professional help? Absolutely. A few 50-minute sessions on the couch could have tilted his unbalanced mind away from murder.
Yet, as screwed up as the kid is, the defect afflicting Danton is not mental in nature, but one of character. He concocted an elaborate scheme to end someone’s life with a $10,000 payment. Even my liberal heart cannot bleed for his current situation. Danton rots now in an Illinois jail cell for good reason. Cicero said, “The function of wisdom is discriminating between good and evil.” And the world, Jean de La Fontaine noted centuries later, is full of people who are not wise enough.
Mike Danton née Jefferson, a 5-foot-9, 191-pound center who played for the St. Louis Blues (we’ll come to my use of the past tense later) got himself in a jam last month. Okay, I’m selling the pile of shit Danton’s sitting in short.
The FBI collared the player April 16 in California, right before he was to climb on a plane with his teammates for St. Louis. How Danton fell from hockey and straight into federal custody is a long, strange trip.
To Reader’s Digest it for you, the government alleges Danton told Katie Wolfmeyer, 19, that a hitman from Canada was coming to St. Louis to kill him. He asked the young woman if she knew someone who could carry out a preemptive strike – a hitman to kill the hitman. Wolfmeyer sought out a man referred to by the government as a “cooperating witness.” This person informed the FBI of the unfolding scheme.
The agency responded by encouraging the Replacement Killer to act as if he were going to do the deed. G-men on the case monitored various phone calls placed between Danton in California, Wolfmeyer in Missouri and the hitman’s hitman in Illinois. Based on the recorded phone conversations, the FBI charged Danton and Wolfmeyer as would-be murderers.
Why did Danton think a 19-year-old woman would be an effective go-to-gal in the murder-for-hire business? At what point did Danton decide killing his way out of a problem was a reasonable notion? And was there no one in Danton’s life he could turn to and express the depths of his desperation; to hear of his plans and say, “Mike, you know, that is a terrible, terrible idea.”?
“Well, at the time … ”
The answer to the latter question is easy: No. Apparently, Danton had no one around him with a cool head. He’s been characterized as a loner estranged from his family for years. Danton ditched his original surname, Jefferson, as a way to make a final break from his parents - especially his father, Steve.
Long ago the elder Jefferson entrusted the health, education and hockey welfare of his son to coach / mentor / agent / reputed mind-controlling Svenghali David Frost. Mike was all of 11 years old at the time.
There are competing accounts of what happened to Danton while in Frost’s care. One comes from Frost himself. The other, from everyone else in the universe. Let’s say independent thinking does not clock in as Danton’s No. 1 ability.
Even if your noggin has taken a puck once or twice and your agent doesn’t let you fart without prior permission, your moral code should not wind up in the penalty box. “Thou shall not kill” isn’t a merely strong suggestion. It serves as the basis of human interaction.
“But, Kal,” the psychobabblists argue, “Danton thought his career and reputation were in imminent danger. He felt truly threatened.” Surely, we hold our livelihood and honor dear. Someone comes along and tries to take them away, we’re not gonna had them over in a gift-wrapped box. I hear ya.
Yet, that’s exactly what Danton did in the space of a few phone calls. He placed his job and rep (already shaky) in the toilet, added a square of TP, then flushed vigorously. Though the St. Louis Blues and several teammates have issued a statement of support, Danton’s career effectively ended in Norman Mineta International Airport.
The team will dump his ass the first second it’s considered tactful to do so. No other pro organization will put him on the ice in the event a jury finds Danton not guilty. It’s not as if Danton was the new Gretzky. He played decently, but not spectacularly. In the end, he never skates again. Unless Tanya Harding comes along with a Goons on Ice Show.
“No, dog, I don’t have your back”
The playing career of b-baller Jayson Williams, 35, had already ended when he used spectacularly poor judgment on the night of Feb. 14, 2002. According to the charges lodged against him, Williams went on a completely avoidable felony spree.
The ex-New Jersey Nets star and TV analyst decided to wind down from a night out on the town by shooting his limousine driver with a shotgun and covering up the crime. I make it sound so lurid, as if Williams was high on PCP then gunned down the chauffer like he was a partridge. Not quite. But close.
Driver Costas “Gus” Christofi transported Williams and friends following a Harlem Globetrotters game in Bethlehem, Pa. The group, with four Globetrotters, paused to refresh themselves with dinner and drinks (bar tab alone: $627) at a New Jersey restaurant.
The journey ended after midnight at Williams’ 65-acre estate in rural New Jersey. The Ponderosa features a 40-room mansion, indoor and outdoor pools, a movie theater, bowling alley, golf course and skeet-shooting range. A private grocery store is still under construction.
While the Globetrotters toured the grounds, the rest of the gang piled into Williams’ manor. They invited Christofi to join them because, after all, there was plenty of room. At this point, Williams thought it a really neat idea to show off his collection of shotguns.
Keep in mind, Williams and several of his friends had some drinks under their belts. Consumption ranged from a single Coors Light to 15 rum and cokes. Other hosts might have directed their guests’ attention to an impressive stamp collection. Or demonstrated a flair for throwing strikes in the bowling alley. Not Williams.
Prosecutors allege the ex-basketball hero displayed his loaded 12-gauge Browning just three feet away from Christofi. The three witnesses in the room testified Williams went from holding the shotgun at his side to jerking it upright as he turned to face the driver. The weapon discharged immediately, sending buckshot into Christofi’s chest.
Now this, as they say delicately, is a very unfortunate situation. Your reaction might start with, “Oh, my God!” It would probably continue onto, “Are you (victim on floor with buckshot) okay?” Finally, as the injured party expired, perhaps you would exclaim, “I f--- up my life!” Williams, according to his friends, did all three. Perfectly natural. Then things went very wrong.
Williams wiped down the shotgun. After that, he asked one of his best friends, 31-year-old Kent Culuko, to wipe down the shotgun, too. Christofi may or may not have still been alive, when Williams tried to press the driver’s palm onto the gun to leave prints. Apparently, Williams has watched some CSI.
He took off his clothes. Williams handed them off to another friend, John Gordnick, 46. Gordnick took the clothes and put them in his car. In his car. Williams went downstairs to his handy indoor pool to swim off evidence. Upon his return, he told everyone to say, “Basically, we were all down stairs.” The lord of the manor also urged his guests to, “Stick with the story.” These are not the droids you're looking for. Move along.
One can understand panicking. The vast majority of people has never shot a human being to death. Who wouldn’t feel overwhelmed, scatter-brained?
However.
If a “friend” asks me to destroy evidence, hide some more, move around the smoking gun and lie to the police, I’m gonna hold my hands up and declare, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is a terrible, terrible idea.” Life should not imitate Pulp Fiction.
County prosecutors charged Williams, for all his trouble, with aggravated manslaughter, reckless manslaughter, witness tampering, evidence tampering, hindering apprehension and fabricating evidence. His friends copped pleas on the after-market activity and agreed to testify. The trial lasted three months.
After hearing the evidence, a New Jersey jury issued the following opinion: If you had not tried to pull off a Winston Wolf, we would have let you go. The panel acquitted Williams of aggravated manslaughter, the most serious of the eight counts the defendant faced. They cleared him of assault and gun possession charges. They deadlocked 8-4 in favor of freeing Williams on the reckless manslaughter count. What the former All-Star went down on was everything he did from, “I f--- up my life!” to asking his guests to drink the Kool-Aid with him.
Prosecutors have until Friday to decide if they will retry Williams for reckless manslaughter. The defense, naturally, wants it to go away. Drunkenly waving a shotgun around sounds way past recklessness to me, but I don’t live in New Jersey.
Unfortunately for Danton, things probably will not go so well. There was no guaranteed $86 million contract (like the one Williams had) to fall back on when the party ended. Danton’s trial kicks off in July. He faces a federal jury without the aid of several million little green friends to bodycheck the prosecution. The truth might set you free, but high-priced lawyers are a better bet.
Do I feel sorry that Danton lacked the mental acuity to get himself professional help? Absolutely. A few 50-minute sessions on the couch could have tilted his unbalanced mind away from murder.
Yet, as screwed up as the kid is, the defect afflicting Danton is not mental in nature, but one of character. He concocted an elaborate scheme to end someone’s life with a $10,000 payment. Even my liberal heart cannot bleed for his current situation. Danton rots now in an Illinois jail cell for good reason. Cicero said, “The function of wisdom is discriminating between good and evil.” And the world, Jean de La Fontaine noted centuries later, is full of people who are not wise enough.
Wednesday, May 12
“Don’t forget to bring your chaps”
I ask you, what's the point of getting married if you can't camp it up?
Gays worry about flamboyant nuptials - May 12, 2004
by Jennifer Peter
BOSTON - Some gay-rights advocates are worried that flamboyant, campy, over-the-top gay weddings could hurt their cause when the nation's first state-sanctioned same-sex weddings begin taking place in Massachusetts next week.
"Any sort of bizarre or hyper-unusual weddings will be used as a weapon against the gay community in the political battles of this upcoming year," said Arline Isaacson, co-leader of the Massachusetts Gay and Lesbian Political Caucus. "We obviously have some concern that some media outlets may focus on the flamboyant."
On Monday, cities and towns across Massachusetts will begin accepting applications for marriage licenses for gay couples.
It will be a milestone in the battle for gay rights, but the victory could be short-lived if voters ultimately approve a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. The earliest that such an amendment could go before the voters is November 2006 - 2-1/2 years from now.
Advocates are worried that if the news media treat gay marriage the same way they have traditionally treated gay pride parades - with the lens focused on the most outrageous spectacles, such as leather-clad Dykes on Bikes, buttocks-flashing cowboys and drag queens - it could become even more difficult to defeat the amendment.
David "Dixie" Federico, a former drag queen and newly ordained online minister in Provincetown, bristled at the idea that gay couples should be forced to tone it down, after being denied marriage for so long. But he predicted tradition will be the order of the day, at least in the first weeks.
"I think everyone in the beginning is going to be on their best behavior," said Federico, who manages a restaurant in Provincetown, a gay tourism hot spot at Cape Cod's tip. "But no matter what, they're going to look for the butchest women and the most effeminate men. It's the nature of the beast."
Alfredo Roldan-Flores, 38, an occupational therapist from Boston, said he and his partner, David Koses, 36, are planning a June wedding and a low-key Sunday brunch.
"I hope the media treats it with the respect it deserves. I really don't want them to make a freak show of it." Associated Press
Gays worry about flamboyant nuptials - May 12, 2004
by Jennifer Peter
BOSTON - Some gay-rights advocates are worried that flamboyant, campy, over-the-top gay weddings could hurt their cause when the nation's first state-sanctioned same-sex weddings begin taking place in Massachusetts next week.
"Any sort of bizarre or hyper-unusual weddings will be used as a weapon against the gay community in the political battles of this upcoming year," said Arline Isaacson, co-leader of the Massachusetts Gay and Lesbian Political Caucus. "We obviously have some concern that some media outlets may focus on the flamboyant."
On Monday, cities and towns across Massachusetts will begin accepting applications for marriage licenses for gay couples.
It will be a milestone in the battle for gay rights, but the victory could be short-lived if voters ultimately approve a constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage. The earliest that such an amendment could go before the voters is November 2006 - 2-1/2 years from now.
Advocates are worried that if the news media treat gay marriage the same way they have traditionally treated gay pride parades - with the lens focused on the most outrageous spectacles, such as leather-clad Dykes on Bikes, buttocks-flashing cowboys and drag queens - it could become even more difficult to defeat the amendment.
David "Dixie" Federico, a former drag queen and newly ordained online minister in Provincetown, bristled at the idea that gay couples should be forced to tone it down, after being denied marriage for so long. But he predicted tradition will be the order of the day, at least in the first weeks.
"I think everyone in the beginning is going to be on their best behavior," said Federico, who manages a restaurant in Provincetown, a gay tourism hot spot at Cape Cod's tip. "But no matter what, they're going to look for the butchest women and the most effeminate men. It's the nature of the beast."
Alfredo Roldan-Flores, 38, an occupational therapist from Boston, said he and his partner, David Koses, 36, are planning a June wedding and a low-key Sunday brunch.
"I hope the media treats it with the respect it deserves. I really don't want them to make a freak show of it." Associated Press
Tuesday, May 11
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!”
If you missed it, then your life will be forever incomplete. THE most incredible hour of television yet presented! Run, don’t walk, to your TiVo and watch the latest episode of 24. I pray you witnessed it with your own eyes or taped the show. If you did not, go to your friend’s place; the one who had the presence of mind to record this program for posterity. Years from now, people will ask you where you were when the “DAY 3: 10:00 AM – 11:00 AM” aired on Fox. Don’t embarrass yourself by saying you missed it. Marines in jets firing missiles. A hostage exchange. Automatic machine guns blazing. Glass breaking. General skullduggery. High crimes and misdemeanors! Only two more episodes left!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Monday, May 10
“Thank you, sir, may I have another”
Donald Rumsfeld was back on the air today, but not in a starring role. This time Rummy played one of Geo. Bush’s backup singers, with Vice President Dick Cheney next to him as Beyonce’s sister. The traveling Iraqi Independence Show made a stop at the Pentagon to reassure a nation unnerved by misdeeds in Mesopotamia.
The ostensible reason for the press conference was to allow the president to reinforce Cheney’s “lay off my buddy Don” defense of the secretary. But Bush couldn’t pass up the opportunity provided by the networks for free exploitation. He had to tell us once again how transcendent U.S. troops have been in carrying life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to Iraq at the business end of smart bombs and bayonets.
Bush said he remains set on handing over the reigns of power to an Iraqi government (TBA) on June 30. This entity will take over responsibility for “health care, water and electricity,” meaning at least they’ll be one up on the U.S. government. Maybe we should point some bayonets here at home.
“Having brought freedom to Iraq,” the president said from the podium, “America will make sure freedom succeeds in Iraq.” Wonderful. As the cliché goes, with freedom like this, who needs a homicidal dictator?
Heaps of people in the White House and like-minded war supporters around the country can’t understand why the Iraqi people haven’t embraced democracy more fervently. After a few days of shock and awe, the “Welcome Invaders!” mats were supposed to lay in front of every door. Now, a few hundred Marines later, bewilderment has set in.
“Who can doubt that Iraq is better for being free of a bloody dictator?” Bush asked the press corps what he figured was a rhetorical question. Yes, indeed. Nothing says, “I love you,” more than presenting your adored with 100,000 M-16-toting soldiers. One has to wonder if 200 years down the line, citizens of Iraq will hail Bush as the father of Iraqi democracy.
Let me not give you with the impression I think coalition forces are baby-killers committing atrocities whenever they don’t have a combat boot pressed to Iraqi throats. As a friend reminded me, these are men and women who are putting their lives at risk, no matter what I think about the propriety of the war they fight.
Still this conviction, as stated by Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Ind.) that “our cause is morally superior” leaves me a bit queasy. Absolutely, democracy allows me to type snide commentary about my ideological enemies without worrying the front door will be kicked down at 3 a.m. It’s very easy to take that for granted, as members of the VFW will testify.
Happily, the American people can rely on it’s armed forces to prevent a foreign power from reigning terror on Washington, occupying the countryside, besieging Austin, Texas; banning the Republican Party and deposing our leader. Thank goodness.
We Americans have liberty in such abundance, we export it by the battalion. Have another helping, y’all! A price must be paid for freedom, however; it is not without charge. Fighting to lead the free world, our presidential candidates are on pace to drop $200 million a piece to win a “nationwide” election - waged essentially in 17 states. Gotta love the fruits of democracy.
Has anyone informed the Iraqis what they have to look forward to?
The ostensible reason for the press conference was to allow the president to reinforce Cheney’s “lay off my buddy Don” defense of the secretary. But Bush couldn’t pass up the opportunity provided by the networks for free exploitation. He had to tell us once again how transcendent U.S. troops have been in carrying life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness to Iraq at the business end of smart bombs and bayonets.
Bush said he remains set on handing over the reigns of power to an Iraqi government (TBA) on June 30. This entity will take over responsibility for “health care, water and electricity,” meaning at least they’ll be one up on the U.S. government. Maybe we should point some bayonets here at home.
“Having brought freedom to Iraq,” the president said from the podium, “America will make sure freedom succeeds in Iraq.” Wonderful. As the cliché goes, with freedom like this, who needs a homicidal dictator?
Heaps of people in the White House and like-minded war supporters around the country can’t understand why the Iraqi people haven’t embraced democracy more fervently. After a few days of shock and awe, the “Welcome Invaders!” mats were supposed to lay in front of every door. Now, a few hundred Marines later, bewilderment has set in.
“Who can doubt that Iraq is better for being free of a bloody dictator?” Bush asked the press corps what he figured was a rhetorical question. Yes, indeed. Nothing says, “I love you,” more than presenting your adored with 100,000 M-16-toting soldiers. One has to wonder if 200 years down the line, citizens of Iraq will hail Bush as the father of Iraqi democracy.
Let me not give you with the impression I think coalition forces are baby-killers committing atrocities whenever they don’t have a combat boot pressed to Iraqi throats. As a friend reminded me, these are men and women who are putting their lives at risk, no matter what I think about the propriety of the war they fight.
Still this conviction, as stated by Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Ind.) that “our cause is morally superior” leaves me a bit queasy. Absolutely, democracy allows me to type snide commentary about my ideological enemies without worrying the front door will be kicked down at 3 a.m. It’s very easy to take that for granted, as members of the VFW will testify.
Happily, the American people can rely on it’s armed forces to prevent a foreign power from reigning terror on Washington, occupying the countryside, besieging Austin, Texas; banning the Republican Party and deposing our leader. Thank goodness.
We Americans have liberty in such abundance, we export it by the battalion. Have another helping, y’all! A price must be paid for freedom, however; it is not without charge. Fighting to lead the free world, our presidential candidates are on pace to drop $200 million a piece to win a “nationwide” election - waged essentially in 17 states. Gotta love the fruits of democracy.
Has anyone informed the Iraqis what they have to look forward to?
Friday, May 7
“What was that question again?”
My friend Michael David Smith and I made a day trip down to Champaign in April. It was practically an extemporaneous move, but we made the scene in less than two hours. We attended panel sessions of Roger Ebert’s 6th Annual Film Festival. The second Q&A event featured the outgoing head of the Motion Picture Association of America, Jack Valenti, speaking to a packed house in the Illini Union’s Pine Lounge.
I had no clue Valenti’s resume featured anything more than shilling for the likes of Michael Eisner and Sumner Redstone. He’s a Harvard MBA who piloted B-25 bombers in World War II. He witnessed the assassination of John Kennedy, six cars back from the president. Valenti sat in Air Force One when it flew from Dallas to Washington with the newly-minted Commander in Chief. On top of all that, he can crack wise with the skill of a late-night talk show host.
After scolding the audience for illegally downloading music and movies from the Internet, Valenti accepted questions from the gathered throng. The first guy at the mike launched into a screed biting back at Valenti for his condemnation of digital pirates. The speech went on for what seemed like an hour. I was tempted to step outside and get a Coke from the Courtyard Café. Finally his bombast wheezed to a halt. Valenti waited a perfectly timed instant then said, “What was the question?”
Believe me, knees were slapped.
I recalled that moment as I watched Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today. He and a cohort of Army generals danced for a panel of U.S. senators bent on slinging lead at the feet of these accused.
The parade didn’t step off smoothly. The chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff admitted he did not have the chain of command chart available for the Armed Services Committee to view. *[Later in the day, some poor son of bitch had his ass whupped good for leaving that chart behind in Virginia.]
Then Rumsfeld’s opening statement ran into problems just as it began. Behind him, a bunch of Americans started to exercise the Constitutional right to bitch out their government. The group attempted to break free from the grasp of the Capitol Police to rush up and throw pig’s blood at people they didn’t like. Uh. Wait a minute. I’m mistaken. It was not a band of PETA members agitating against fur (we regret the error).
The [insert your synonym for “shocking”] pictures of mistreated Iraqi prisoners gripped the members of the committee with near hysteria. Every citizen should know why. If you haven’t seen at least one photo emanating from the Abu Ghraib prison this week, your retinas are not working. The secretary delivered an incontrovertible admission of guilt and begged the forgiveness of friends, Romans, countrymen, legislators, the American people, Iraqi detainees and stray, unneutered cats.
Following the remarks of Armed Services Committee chairman John Warner (R-Va.) lawmakers of the upper house took turns weighing in. More or less, each member squawked an opinion and followed up with all the questions an unctous blowhard can cram into five minutes.
The senator from Massachusetts not running for president, Ted Kennedy, used most of his allotted time to verbally geld the DOD and by extension, George Bush. Kennedy’s speech went on for what seemed like an hour. I was tempted to get a Pepsi from the fridge. The declamation thundered to a close, and a momentary silence ensued.
As Rumsfeld squinted from behind his round specs at Teddy, I realized precisely what response ached to fly from the tip of his tongue. You know he’s got a sense of humor.
Lucky for Rumsfeld (“The chicks call me Rummy”) not all members of the Armed Services Committee wielded blazing guns. Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-Conn.) started off with the requisite denunciation of the bad, bad soldiers who staged the impromptu burlesque shows in Iraq. Putting that behind him, Lieberman struck up a not-too-shabby rendition of the Army song:
“First to fight for the right / And to build the Nation’s might / And the Army goes rolling along. / Proud of all [they] have done / Fighting till the battle’s won / And the Army goes rolling along.”
Alabama’s Jeff Sessions began to clap in time to the melody. “Sing it, boy!” he cried.
“It’s hi, hi, hey! / The Army’s on its way. / Count off the cadence loud and strong - TWO! THREE!” Fighting Joe bellowed on.
Former Navy pilot John McCain abruptly put a stop to this love fest. If you’re looking for an opinion on how to treat POW’s properly, count on McCain to offer a heartfelt thought or three. The man looked p.o.’d beyond any apology, no matter how piteously offered by the military’s top brass. Everyone knows the Arizona Republican spent about a decade (give or take) in a Hanoi hell hole. I could feel the spittle unleashed by the senator’s tirade from my seat on a couch 1,000 miles away. Basically, he bitch-slapped the little grin Rumsfeld was sporting right off the secretary’s face.
Into this untidy intra-party breech stepped Sen. Susan Collins of Maine. Her voice quavered like a disappointed Mommy coming across a fight between siblings. “Stop pulling your brother’s hair, Johnny!” The Yankee Republican didn’t warble a Liebermanesque song of praise, but she felt bound to mention how our troops “secure[d] liberty around the world.”
Her South Carolina counterpart, Sen. Elizabeth Dole, took up the baton and beat the drum with much more slavish devotion. U.S. troops were setting two countries (remember Afghanistan, you cretin) “on the path of democratic and free-market reforms.” The troops had established trust among the vanquished – ah – joyously delirious Iraqi citizens. American G.I.’s were winning hearts and minds with a multitude of good deeds, she said. Dole pointed out, for example, that all 240 hospitals in Iraq were open, and more than 1,000 clinics operated in the country. The list was long and impressive:
170 newspapers running photos of tortured prisoners to their readership’s discontent
679 cats rescued from trees
23,604 little old ladies assisted across the street
582,335 Snickers, Hershey and Babe Ruth bars distributed
2,000,037 William Hung CDs successfully palmed off
Unfortunately, there’s a dark cloud hovering over this silver lining of hope and democracy. Rummy sounded a grim warning to the panel, damning the invention of digital cameras. Floating out in the ether, waiting to fall into the hot hands of Al-Jezeera are even more pictures, and get this - videos, as well. That’s right, moving pictures. The secretary said the coming attractions were “blatantly sadistic; cruel.”
Boys, things are bad. I don’t know what you think, but if something shocks Donald Rumsfeld, I have to believe it’s abominable. The only acts I can fathom being worse than stacking buck-naked people on top of each other happen in films by Quentin Tarantino.
Several senators expressed utter stupefaction at Rumsfeld’s disclosure that he had not seen the complete set of photographs until the previous night.
“When did you know about the pictures, and who did you tell?” Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina inquired. Why didn’t we know about this sooner, many wanted to know.
I found Rumsfeld’s response perfectly reasonable. “I didn’t get the memo.”
Saxby Chambliss, the devil from Georgia who ousted a true American hero from office, offered the secretary of defense a precious nugget of advice: “Get some scapegoats.”
Programming note: You haven’t missed Days of Our Lives … Friday’s episode will air Monday at 1 p.m. on NBC.
I had no clue Valenti’s resume featured anything more than shilling for the likes of Michael Eisner and Sumner Redstone. He’s a Harvard MBA who piloted B-25 bombers in World War II. He witnessed the assassination of John Kennedy, six cars back from the president. Valenti sat in Air Force One when it flew from Dallas to Washington with the newly-minted Commander in Chief. On top of all that, he can crack wise with the skill of a late-night talk show host.
After scolding the audience for illegally downloading music and movies from the Internet, Valenti accepted questions from the gathered throng. The first guy at the mike launched into a screed biting back at Valenti for his condemnation of digital pirates. The speech went on for what seemed like an hour. I was tempted to step outside and get a Coke from the Courtyard Café. Finally his bombast wheezed to a halt. Valenti waited a perfectly timed instant then said, “What was the question?”
Believe me, knees were slapped.
I recalled that moment as I watched Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today. He and a cohort of Army generals danced for a panel of U.S. senators bent on slinging lead at the feet of these accused.
The parade didn’t step off smoothly. The chair of the Joint Chiefs of Staff admitted he did not have the chain of command chart available for the Armed Services Committee to view. *[Later in the day, some poor son of bitch had his ass whupped good for leaving that chart behind in Virginia.]
Then Rumsfeld’s opening statement ran into problems just as it began. Behind him, a bunch of Americans started to exercise the Constitutional right to bitch out their government. The group attempted to break free from the grasp of the Capitol Police to rush up and throw pig’s blood at people they didn’t like. Uh. Wait a minute. I’m mistaken. It was not a band of PETA members agitating against fur (we regret the error).
The [insert your synonym for “shocking”] pictures of mistreated Iraqi prisoners gripped the members of the committee with near hysteria. Every citizen should know why. If you haven’t seen at least one photo emanating from the Abu Ghraib prison this week, your retinas are not working. The secretary delivered an incontrovertible admission of guilt and begged the forgiveness of friends, Romans, countrymen, legislators, the American people, Iraqi detainees and stray, unneutered cats.
Following the remarks of Armed Services Committee chairman John Warner (R-Va.) lawmakers of the upper house took turns weighing in. More or less, each member squawked an opinion and followed up with all the questions an unctous blowhard can cram into five minutes.
The senator from Massachusetts not running for president, Ted Kennedy, used most of his allotted time to verbally geld the DOD and by extension, George Bush. Kennedy’s speech went on for what seemed like an hour. I was tempted to get a Pepsi from the fridge. The declamation thundered to a close, and a momentary silence ensued.
As Rumsfeld squinted from behind his round specs at Teddy, I realized precisely what response ached to fly from the tip of his tongue. You know he’s got a sense of humor.
Lucky for Rumsfeld (“The chicks call me Rummy”) not all members of the Armed Services Committee wielded blazing guns. Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-Conn.) started off with the requisite denunciation of the bad, bad soldiers who staged the impromptu burlesque shows in Iraq. Putting that behind him, Lieberman struck up a not-too-shabby rendition of the Army song:
“First to fight for the right / And to build the Nation’s might / And the Army goes rolling along. / Proud of all [they] have done / Fighting till the battle’s won / And the Army goes rolling along.”
Alabama’s Jeff Sessions began to clap in time to the melody. “Sing it, boy!” he cried.
“It’s hi, hi, hey! / The Army’s on its way. / Count off the cadence loud and strong - TWO! THREE!” Fighting Joe bellowed on.
Former Navy pilot John McCain abruptly put a stop to this love fest. If you’re looking for an opinion on how to treat POW’s properly, count on McCain to offer a heartfelt thought or three. The man looked p.o.’d beyond any apology, no matter how piteously offered by the military’s top brass. Everyone knows the Arizona Republican spent about a decade (give or take) in a Hanoi hell hole. I could feel the spittle unleashed by the senator’s tirade from my seat on a couch 1,000 miles away. Basically, he bitch-slapped the little grin Rumsfeld was sporting right off the secretary’s face.
Into this untidy intra-party breech stepped Sen. Susan Collins of Maine. Her voice quavered like a disappointed Mommy coming across a fight between siblings. “Stop pulling your brother’s hair, Johnny!” The Yankee Republican didn’t warble a Liebermanesque song of praise, but she felt bound to mention how our troops “secure[d] liberty around the world.”
Her South Carolina counterpart, Sen. Elizabeth Dole, took up the baton and beat the drum with much more slavish devotion. U.S. troops were setting two countries (remember Afghanistan, you cretin) “on the path of democratic and free-market reforms.” The troops had established trust among the vanquished – ah – joyously delirious Iraqi citizens. American G.I.’s were winning hearts and minds with a multitude of good deeds, she said. Dole pointed out, for example, that all 240 hospitals in Iraq were open, and more than 1,000 clinics operated in the country. The list was long and impressive:
170 newspapers running photos of tortured prisoners to their readership’s discontent
679 cats rescued from trees
23,604 little old ladies assisted across the street
582,335 Snickers, Hershey and Babe Ruth bars distributed
2,000,037 William Hung CDs successfully palmed off
Unfortunately, there’s a dark cloud hovering over this silver lining of hope and democracy. Rummy sounded a grim warning to the panel, damning the invention of digital cameras. Floating out in the ether, waiting to fall into the hot hands of Al-Jezeera are even more pictures, and get this - videos, as well. That’s right, moving pictures. The secretary said the coming attractions were “blatantly sadistic; cruel.”
Boys, things are bad. I don’t know what you think, but if something shocks Donald Rumsfeld, I have to believe it’s abominable. The only acts I can fathom being worse than stacking buck-naked people on top of each other happen in films by Quentin Tarantino.
Several senators expressed utter stupefaction at Rumsfeld’s disclosure that he had not seen the complete set of photographs until the previous night.
“When did you know about the pictures, and who did you tell?” Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham of South Carolina inquired. Why didn’t we know about this sooner, many wanted to know.
I found Rumsfeld’s response perfectly reasonable. “I didn’t get the memo.”
Saxby Chambliss, the devil from Georgia who ousted a true American hero from office, offered the secretary of defense a precious nugget of advice: “Get some scapegoats.”
Programming note: You haven’t missed Days of Our Lives … Friday’s episode will air Monday at 1 p.m. on NBC.
