Wednesday, April 14
“Introducing Marla Maples’ ex-husband”
I have two words for you, the TV screamed at me: OMA–ROSA! Excuse me, but what the hell does that mean? I’m sitting on the couch trying to get my Law & Order groove on, but NOOOO! In my face is The Donald, that hair, thrusting beautifully manicured fingers and declaring, “You’re fi-ahd!” Guess what, Mr. Look-How-Great-I-Am Trump? I don’t work for you or your fried-looking hair. Take that. I once heard this joke (I think Dennis Miller did it) about Bill Gates that I'll adapt to Trump: Forbes says Donald Trump is worth $2.5 billion. [beat] I guess a good haircut costs 3 billion.
I know the rest of the universe loves The Apprentice, but someone is going to have to esplain it to me. Excuse my shameful ignorance of prevailing pop culture – I’ve never watched it and I DON’T GET IT. Oh my god. I said it. Will the world forgive me? Can I still truly call myself a pop-culture junky? I know literally millions are totally embarrassed for me now because I am the only person in the continental U.S. of A. who does not experience near-sexual arousal when 9 p.m. (Central) Thursday rolls around. You turn your head and pretend you don’t know me when I come around. Admit it.
From what I’ve been able to piece together, The Donald has a group of people in a wood-paneled board room whom he screams at and makes kiss his pasty white ass. Or is it that they kneel and kiss his ring? I get confused. Anyway, the guys compete against the women for the opportunity to suck Donald’s toenails, right? I hear the big toe is the sweetest, mmmm!
Anyway, I’m told the whole Western world will be tuned in April 15 for the climactic LIVE final episode of The Apprentice. Trump attaches the last two contestants to the front of his 14-carat gold, diamond- and ruby-encrusted dog sled (strangely enough, it has bulletproof tinted windows), cracking his whip over their naked backs to force them down the streets of Gotham, taking The Donald along for the ride. Last flunky still standing after the other one drops from exhaustion gets a job with the Trump Organization cleaning toilets and brushing Donnie’s teeth every morning. Sounds like a really awesome gig.
I know the rest of the universe loves The Apprentice, but someone is going to have to esplain it to me. Excuse my shameful ignorance of prevailing pop culture – I’ve never watched it and I DON’T GET IT. Oh my god. I said it. Will the world forgive me? Can I still truly call myself a pop-culture junky? I know literally millions are totally embarrassed for me now because I am the only person in the continental U.S. of A. who does not experience near-sexual arousal when 9 p.m. (Central) Thursday rolls around. You turn your head and pretend you don’t know me when I come around. Admit it.
From what I’ve been able to piece together, The Donald has a group of people in a wood-paneled board room whom he screams at and makes kiss his pasty white ass. Or is it that they kneel and kiss his ring? I get confused. Anyway, the guys compete against the women for the opportunity to suck Donald’s toenails, right? I hear the big toe is the sweetest, mmmm!
Anyway, I’m told the whole Western world will be tuned in April 15 for the climactic LIVE final episode of The Apprentice. Trump attaches the last two contestants to the front of his 14-carat gold, diamond- and ruby-encrusted dog sled (strangely enough, it has bulletproof tinted windows), cracking his whip over their naked backs to force them down the streets of Gotham, taking The Donald along for the ride. Last flunky still standing after the other one drops from exhaustion gets a job with the Trump Organization cleaning toilets and brushing Donnie’s teeth every morning. Sounds like a really awesome gig.
